Living with pain...finding your worth
“These pains you feel are messengers. Listen to them.”
Spoiler Alert: We’re talking about menstrual cycles in this blog post.
When I was in High School I started getting my period…nothing abnormal, nothing strange.
But then, my periods started getting worse.
And worse.
Fast forward to my mother and I spending countless hours in hospitals searching for answers.
In college I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. As a Division 1 Track Athlete and a Cadet at the Air Force Academy, this was a hard act to juggle. I tried surgery; a whole bunch of medications, struggled through all their unique side effects; fumbled through ridiculous diets, and never found relief. My 20s were punctuated by invisible pain and the stigma of being the girl whose periods “were really bad.”
When I first got pregnant in my 30s the pain subsided and then breastfeeding extended it even longer. Having a second child and breastfeeding him for 2.5 years. For 6 glorious years my body was growing and feeding babies which meant there was no room for Endometriosis.
But then I weaned, and it started to seep back in to my body until one day I realized just how bad it had gotten—this new, post-baby making Endometriosis pain…it is exquisite. It storms in, with no rhyme or reason to the time or day (we’ve been charting it), and with almost no pockets of relief. It can range from general uncomfortable cramping to outrageous intense pain that runs up and down my entire body. It’s unpredictable and, at times, unbelievable. Like really, how can a person be in this much pain just from Endometriosis?
I’m lucky in that I get my medical care through the VA (Veterans Administration) and my doctors are very engaged in my health care journey. We are continually trialing and failing treatment options. Key word of course, being fail.
Nothing is working (so far).
And that, has been very, very hard.
Most days I’m able to work through the pain, occasionally stopping to let out a howl, my auditory way of dealing with the intensity of the surges. But sometimes, the pain is so bad, I physically can’t walk.
For someone like me, a human who prefers to move through life like a hummingbird, flitting from task to task, sitting for any chunk of time can feel like punishment. Once you’ve put your brain into that cage, it’s VERY easy to sink into a woe is me trap that, trust me, doesn’t feel good for anyone.
Which is why, thankfully…luckily…I have found a new hobby that aligns with our lifestyle and actually benefits our existence.
I have discovered the ancient art of leathercraft.
Living with invisible, chronic pain is emotionally isolating and physically debilitating and oh man does it do a number on your sense of self-worth. But, every time I sit down to make something I know I am filling a need in my village—a leather hatchet sheath, a quiver for arrows, a case for our big two-man saw...having these things makes us more nimble and more prepared in the backcountry, which, let’s face it, is my favorite place in the whole world, and a place I will always head to even if I’m in pain.
Adding the skill of leather working to my own personal tool belt has helped me feel that I am still valuable and able to contribute in a meaningful way. There is something so special about crafting something with your bare hands, and I have leaned heavy into that feeling as a positive force in my life.
There’s also a deeper, ancestral connection that I feel when I work. Molding the wet leather to an object with bone, stitching two pieces together by hand…these are all movements that haven’t changed in the 400,000 years that humans have been working leather. There’s a comfort to this, a deep-rooted pull to the very core of what it means to be a creature with an opposable thumb who has mastered tools.
Or maybe living with chronic pain has turned me into a delusional, mystical person who looks for meaning in everything.
Either way, I’m okay with it. My uterus and I may be in a deep disagreement for how we should exist harmoniously, but my hands and I have never been more inspired. Hopefully that inspiration is enough to carry me through another medication, which is the first FDA approved treatment for Endometriosis. I’m about a week into it and wow the side effects are gnarly AF (something my doctor was very forthcoming about and something most women who take this med experience).
I committed to taking it for 6 weeks to give it a true try. So…this should be a fun ride.
Thank goodness I have two hides of leather (a Christmas present from Matthew) that are just begging to be turned in to something really bad ass.
Me and Zac in the backcountry. We went out with our friends to clear trails. I’ve got my forest axe (with the cover I made) in my hand. That sheath on my back holds both my hand saws, a fire starting kit, a first aid kit, some helpful meds (benadryl, immodium, tylenol), my lifestraw, a flashlight, and my Dad’s whistle that he used when he coached track. I’ve also got Banzai’s sling shot and fanny pack hanging off me…because…#momlife. I love this piece because I used Pendleton remnants to really jazz it up and it makes me more nimble and agile when I’m packing kids and horses in the woods. I wore this guy for about 5 miles while also carrying Banzai on my shoulders and it was so comfortable!
